Tuesday, June 4, 2013

How to Get Sick A.K.A What I Did This Weekend

Step 1.  Clean your ears with Q-Tips even knowing damn well every time you do this you get sick -___-

Step 2. Play Basket Ball (nothing wrong with this by itself but it will make sense after the next step)

Step 3. Eat at White Castles after playing Basketball OUTDOORS without washing your hands -_____- (Be sure to guarantee the end of your life by getting finger foods like a cheeseburger and french fries, this will maximize your exposure to the germs on your dirty hands and make infection fool proof)

Step 4. Run the Air Conditioner that has been sitting allllllllll winter and spring basking in NYC pollution without changing the filter or rinsing the unit box.  (The Unit box is the part that sits on the outside of the window that birds especially Pigeons love to chillax and poop on)
 -_______- (Filling your lungs with dust, dirt, soot, and stray avian poop should guarantee illness)

Step 5.  Just to be certain that your otherwise healthy body doesn't fight off your Grand Strategy to become ill, eat lots and lots of sugar to weaken the immune system.  Preferably in the form of about a 1/2 gallon of ice cream. 

If followed successfully you should contract sort of upper respiratory drama annnnnnnnnnnnd suffer and THEN AND ONLY THEN ...DIE!

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